The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. I’ll remember that when I’m up in the middle of the night because I have a 10 pound bowling ball inside me making me heat up like a sauna in the dead of winter! Let’s not forget the frequent bathroom trips, the midnight munchies, or the insomnia at 1 oclock in the morning while your husband is snoring away!

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or get any adult responsibilities done, like cleaning the house or doing the finances? And do none of these people have more than one child?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child...even your husband. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget!

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "Is your child NOT sleeping through the night yet! Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. I am so happy that your child slept 12 hours the second week after birth, but I would rather wake up for 10 minutes to feed my baby then hear him cry for two hours. (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "I don’t know about your children, but mine likes to get out once and awhile instead of being cooped up inside all day.

8. "You shouldn’t pick up your child when they cry/get injured/ are sad or he’ll grow up to be a ‘momma’s boy’.” There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that I’m suppose to let my child sit there at 9 months old and work out his feelings on his own really chaps my hide. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t react every time, but I’m sure a little affection from mom every now and then will allow him to grow up to be just as tough as the rest of them.

9. "Your not a stay at home mom?" Oh, if only I loved my child enough to not pay our bills. If only my child could be in the care of practical strangers to have the only interaction we have for 8 hours of the day be via the web. If only I could wonder if all of his needs are being met and that he is content. If only I could miss all of his new discoveries and let other individuals experience his "firsts" instead. If only I could come home after a long day to only have a couple hours with him before he's off to bed. If only!

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century, you don't know diddly about my child. I’m glad your child is perfect and that you know, from your years of scientific research, the exact remedy to get my child to cooperate/listen/be respectful etc etc but don't tell me in the middle of the situation. Let me do what I know works for us.

Well! That felt good. What did I miss? What parenting advice could you do without, forever? Speak now!